dull.

I feel so lacklustre.

And in hindsight, my tafe application was predictable and a little contrived. I wouldn’t be even slightly surprised if I don’t make it.

So where does that leave me? I will not spend another year in front of this computer in this office in this shop. My mind would be lost forever.

 

Someone inspire me. Puhlease.

i’ll play judge, you be executioner.

I was recently accused of being too judgmental, which of course set my brain into motion, reassessing the way I present myself to others…

We have to judge the people around us, it is as simple as that. Everyone judges in one way or another. We perceive some judgement as being bad or unfair, and other judgement just goes unnoticed. So, where do we draw the line? What is suitable grounds for judgement?

I believe that if you have had experiences in your life that have negatively impacted you and if people’s actions have created these moments, you have a right to judge that sort of behaviour in a person. With this in mind and without going in to too much detail, I have every reason in the world to have a profound hatred of anything to do with drugs or males being disrespectful to women.

If you are in my life, I will never judge you on any action you undertake which only affects yourself. Honestly, as long as there is no possibility of anyone being hurt by what you’re doing, what you do is your business. But I flat out refuse to stand by and let you hurt me, hurt someone else or enable anyone to hurt themselves or others.

What sort of life would I have if I didn’t tell you that you were upsetting me? What sort of relationships could be based on me attempting to ignore the things that hurt me right to my core? I would be miserable. I would be disappointed in you. I could never really fully love or trust.

I would rather be labelled “judgmental” than live a life where I am discontent and constantly leaving myself open to get hurt, just saying.

 

That’s all xo

 

she who must not be named.

Hours later, I am still so so so mad about this. So I am venting. This is purely an angry rant.

 

So your girlfriend doesn’t like me. So that means we can’t be friends. THAT’S FINE. But being overdramatic dickheads and not showing up to our mate’s birthday because you saw me before you even walked in, are you serious? Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

I would have just ignored you and her, as I have at every other gathering. Seriously. We have mutual friends, we are going to have to be at the same place at the same time on occasion. What exactly do you think I’m going to do? Jump your bones? Kill her so I can be with you?

 

URGH. SO MUCH DRAMA OVER NOTHING.

not numb.

Today, I am letting myself be sad. I am mourning the loss of something that, however brief, meant something to me. For this moment, I am not being angry or tough or stubborn or cold.

I’m not going to fill the holes or time or feelings. I don’t have the strength to right now.

see you later, alligator.

It either says brilliant or horrible things about me that I am now finding it so easy to cut people out of my life. In an effort to end the drama, I am shedding drama queens and negative people at a rate of knotts.

Most of my recent sadness or disappointment has come from other people being awful or doing terrible things. I no longer have room for those people.

This is the very first time in my life that I have been able to cut my losses and run. I’m loving it.

 

let down.

I’m so sick of people burning bridges and then trying to walk on water. Don’t you get that miracles won’t come so easy when no one believes in you?

down to me.

I am doing whatever it takes to make my own sunshine, because relying on other people is for suckers.

Everything is coming good.

sweep it under the rug.

I hate making messes. Physical and emotional ones. My house is a bomb site and my head is no better.

I just can’t hold anything together right now. I keep starting things but not finishing them. I keep putting half my heart in but holding the rest out. I don’t understand why, but it’s ruining everything good.

There are things inside me that are broken and I have known they are broken for years. Yet, I am still unable to fix them or work around these breaks… They present an almost constant obstacle course when I embark on any new journey.

Everyone has a past, everyone has things that they would like to change… How are we supposed to move past things? I’m sure most people manage it just fine, but I am lacking the knowledge.

I cannot trust, I cannot open up completely and I cannot shut out my need for constant attention. Basically, it is my crazy subconscious belief that if you are not looking in my direction, you are not thinking about me, caring about me or loving me. Stupidly, I also believe that when you are focused on me, you must be telling the truth.

All this combined with my ridiculously imbalanced hormones, and you get one crazy cat on occasions. I wouldn’t even care if it was only me that I was hurting. I’d be perfectly happy to wallow in my misery. Hurting the amazing people around me with my insanity is horrible.

 

AHHH this rant is barely coherent. Not in a good headspace today. My fault (as usual).

a first for everything.

For once in my life, I believe in too different.

I have always tried to look past the things that make us unique, but some things make us entirely incompatible with one another. Basic values/goal/aspirations… These are things that can completely divide us.

I don’t believe I am lacking the patience or understanding to cope with these discrepancies in my fellow man, I just feel as though a line needs to be drawn somewhere.

If we don’t even see the same world around us, how can we coexist?

spooky.

So. It is halloween week. A chance to dress up, be scary, get scared… but most importantly – hide.

I will be hiding behind costumes this week. I am hiding from decisions I need to make. I am hiding from whoever I am the other 51 weeks a year.

I AM NOT GOING TO CHOOSE. I CANNOT BE BOTHERED.